🎬 "I believe in America."

The Godfather (1972). Welcome to the 32nd edition of The Reel!

Estimated reading time: 7m 41s.

Bored of boredom?

Barred from bars?

Barely bothered with beers?

Fear not, citizens of the internet. Lord Gilgamesh has heard your prayers, and delivered a new edition of The Reel!

Did you know that a prequel series to Lord of the Rings will debut on Amazon Prime in September? The latest trailer launched last week:

In a creative decision so brilliantly banal that it beggars belief, the title of this obscenely expensive prequel series is:

The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power.

… 🤔

I’m sorry, what?

What are you talking about? Like, what are you actually talking about.

When you think about it for more than one second, this title is truly, absolutely, hilariously bad.

Not only is it an affront to the variety of the English language (three thes, two ofs and two rings? Gadzooks), the subtitle is so unnecessary and unhelpful that it borders on comedic.

I’ve come up with some equally useless alternatives:

• The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of the Lord

• The Power of the Rings of the Lord of those Rings

• Remember the Rings? They’re Powerful

• The The of the The: The The of the The

• Ring Ring Ring: This is the Lord Speaking

• Dude, Where’s My Ring of Power?

• Wizards Arriving Precisely When They Mean To*

(*This is also an idea I have for a quirky internet series, if you are a wizard plz DM me.)

Oh well. At least it’ll be better than Wheel of Time 🤢 (more on that later).

Time for some reviews!

This week:  Multiversal mayhem, Marvel mediocrity, moustachioed mercenaries, and tears. 😢

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♾️  We heard you like multiverses, so…

• Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness (2022), directed by Sam Raimi.

• Everything Everywhere All at Once (2022), film, directed by Daniel Kwan & Daniel Scheinert.

Listen, I don’t want to gatekeep, but the concept of a “multiverse” is old hat in comic book lore. It’s the hot topic in superhero movies en ce moment, but it’s nothing new to me and all the other virgins cool guys who have been reading comics since we were babbas.

(Of course, this is a real scientific concept that exists outside of media and entertainment, but who cares about science? That’s even less cool than comic books!

… right?)

First up is the cranky wizard with the unconvincing accent, Dr. Strange.

Stephen and Wong scan the skies for any superhero more interesting than them. Their search is brief, and fruitful.

Multiverse of Madness is directed by horror buff (and director of the Tobey Maguire Spiderman) Sam Raimi, and it’s comfortably Marvel’s most horror-leaning offer to date.

The stakes are abstractly, yawn-inducingly high, and I think it’s about time we all admit that Ben Cumberbitchbatch’s central character is just not compelling. But it looks incredible — skip to the major set pieces and you’ll have a rollicking good time.

Everything Everywhere All at Once makes more intriguing use out of the multiverse concept, for a fraction of the the budget.

“Why do my fingers look like hot dogs? Who are these hot doggggs?”

It’s clever, original, and it’s been feverishly well received. However, for this reviewer, its incoherence and excessive length detract from what could have been a classic piece of film.

Is it just me or are films getting longer? Just make them shorter!

No one cares about what you have to say as much as you!

(… he wrote, in the longest ever edition of his internet blog.)

Look out for:

Pop culture references abound in Everything, the best of which a pastiche of the 2001: A Space Odyssey ape scene with a faltering soundtrack very similar to this iconic Jurassic Park melodica cover.

If you liked this:  

Graphic novel I Kill Giants is similarly allegorical to Everywhere, with a gut punch ending that won it instant acclaim (and a decent movie adaptation). The best multiverse content can be found in any number of Rick & Morty episodes — note the endlessly entertaining segment “Interdimensional Cable”.

Rating: Doctor Strange… ⭐⭐⭐, Everything… ⭐⭐⭐

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⚡ Danger, danger, low voltage!

• Thor: Love and Thunder (2022), film, directed by Taika Waititi.

“Hey Mr. Reel, why do you hate Marvel movies so much?”

“Is it because you’re jealous that something that was once a private passion of yours has now been plundered and exploited for the purpose of mass entertainment?”

“How did you get in here? Leave now or I’m calling the police!”

I hear you, I hear you. 😒

I don’t hate Marvel movies (I’ve seen over 240 of them). What I do hate is their guaranteed box office return. They’ve become so popular and created such a fervent following, that every Marvel film will gross over $300M worldwide, without doubt.

The moment you realise that you’ve created an irreversible cinematic monster beyond your control.

It means they can afford to release some duds, because the fans will always turn up. These days, at least two out of every three new Marvel films are just not up to scratch.

Thor: Love and Thunder is a perfect example. Formulaic where its predecessor Thor: Ragnarok was innovative, juvenile where Ragnarok was tongue-in-cheek, it’s a far cry from the heights of the franchise.

Is it weird as a straight man to say that I genuinely think this film is worth watching just for this scene? Mamma mia, that’s a spicy meatball!! 🔥

Still, there are a few good laughs and Chris Hemsworth is the closest thing we have to a god in real life, so I suppose it wins points for realism?

Look out for:

Russel Crowe’s Zeus is a highlight, though he presents more as a rotund and raunchy Dionysus than the King of the Gods. Stick around after the credits for some more Hellenic hijinks, if you’re into that sort of thing.

If you liked this:  

Ragnarok might be The Reel’s favourite Marvel film of all; it’s certainly a lot better than this. Speaking of a lot better, be wowed by Natalie Portman’s arguably best ever performance in Leon: The Professional — when she was 11 years old. 😱

Ratings: ⭐⭐

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🤫 Ciúnas bóthar cailín bainne.

• An Cailín Ciúin (2022), film, directed by Colm Bairéad.

My Girl.

Marley and Me.

My Sister’s Keeper.

Interstellar. (🤔)

What do these films all have in common?

They caused me to weep uncontrollably, an event that happens with increasing regularity the older I get (does this mean I’m getting more mature, or less?).

Well you can add An Cailín Ciúin to that list, in a big way.

Run, cailín, run! Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know when you’re gonna find your Jenny!

What a gem of a picture, and Irish language to boot. The titular cailín, Cáit, is a young girl in 1980s rural Ireland, sent to live with distant elderly relatives for a summer to lessen the financial strain on her impoverished family.

Much like our heroine, the film is short, restrained and understated, but very moving. Sweet without being overbearing, An Cailín Ciúin also finds time for humour in what could have been a drab and dour affair.

Oysters, is it? No cost of living crisis round here anyway! The boom never left, I see! Off on your holidays soon are you? Well for some!

Featuring a climactic sequence that must surely have been designed in a lab for the purpose of making people cry, this is a simple but satisfying piece of Irish cinema.

Look out for:

Carrie Crowley plays Cait’s mother-for-the-summer Eibhlín with such poise; deeply held sorrow is just about visible beneath a kindly and elegant facade. According to Wikipedia, she was one of the biggest stars on RTÉ in the 1990s. Who knew!

If you liked this:  

This is a tale that’s been told many times — young child is sent to live with older strangers, ultimately forming a close bond. Re-reading Goodnight Mister Tom a few years ago packed as much of an emotional punch as it did when I was in 4th class. 😢

Ratings: ⭐⭐⭐⭐

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⏩ Quickies

Short and snappy reviews for a short and snappy time:

• The Gray Man (2022, film, dir. Anthony & Joe Russo): ⭐⭐

Treadstone, dat u?? Or is it Blackbriar? The Gray Man is a poorly concealed Bourne knock-off that is barely worth the effort it takes to press play, despite enjoyable turns by Ryan Gosling and Chris Evans. The 2009 book is effortlessly shite; the film cost a lot of money to turn out this bad.

Christopher “Movember” Evans.

• Spiderhead (2022, film, dir. Joseph Kosinski): ⭐

The eight seconds I spent thinking about the “spiderface” joke from The Office was the best time I had in the duration of this decaying carcass of extreme crap. Chris Hemsworth is in The Reel’s bad books this week; keep this up and I might have to put you in my cage, mister! You naughty boy. Haha. Naughty lil’ boy.

Smile at me like that again and I’m gonna have to lock you up and throw away the key! Haha. You’ve been very naughty. Very, very naughty boy.

• Wheel of Time (2021, series, dev. Rafe Judkins): ⭐⭐

Brace yourselves for another stinker, eight episodes long. There are enjoyable moments so it’s not a complete disaster, but Wheel of Time is to Game of Thrones what I am to my dad: camper and marginally more progressive, but markedly inferior in every other barometer of quality.

To be fair, these two are the tits. Aside from that, verrrry little tits to be seen.

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📃 Quote of the Week(s)

“Is Eibhlín still drinking? Does she use butter or margarine in her pastry?”

In An Cailín Ciúin, a nosey neigbour quizzes Cáit on matters of intensely Irish importance.

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✅ Th-th-that’s all, folks.

Thank you very much for reading!

If you are a subscriber and enjoyed this edition, I would appreciate so much if you could share it. 🙏🏻

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Thank you very much again, and see you next time!

Gogzibear

xxx

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📅 Previous Reels:

🎬 May 12 - The Worst Person in the World, The Northman, Mystic River.

🎬 Mar 30 - The Power of the Dog, The Eyes of Tammy Faye, Licorice Pizza.

🎬 Mar 16 - The Batman, The Green Knight, The Last Duel, Eternals, Pig.

📒 Catalogue:

You can find a list of all film review scores (and opening movie lines!) here.

🎙️ Podcast:

I’ve also published 10 episodes of a film review podcast Movies (And A Rap) — you can listen on Spotify here.