🎬 "Lean and hungry. Still nothing?"
Gladiator (2000). Welcome to the 16th edition of The Reel!
Estimated reading time: 6m 20s.
One of my girlfriend’s favourite films is Dear John. Me being the excellent boyfriend that I am, I recently sat down to watch it.
And by “sat down” I mean I was on the toilet, and by “watch it” I mean googled the plot.
In doing so, I discovered the ultimate, top-secret formula for romantic movie posters, which I will share with you today:
The most common of the “variable positions” here is the Classic (man on left-hand side, woman on right):
Then we have the Reverse (woman on left-hand side, very progressive):
The Top-Down, to show off your unique artistic vision:
And the Back-to-Back (warning: incredibly risky, audience may think the leads are siblings):
As for Dear John? Well, I may have read the wrong synopsis, but I’m 80% sure he’s an alien.
Time for some reviews!
This week: Aviary agents, souther fried killin’, y’all, and an evening meal for twats.
🤵🏿 The name’s Sterling. Lance Sterling.
Spies in Disguise (2019), film, directed by Troy Quane & Nick Bruno.
There was a time when Pixar was the crown jewel not just of animation, but Hollywood.
They couldn’t not make a 10/10 film, despite the odd wobble (@Cars).
When I was a child, seeing that squeaky lampshade kerbstomp the sh*t out of that poor, unsuspecting “I” filled me with an uncontrollable excitement that bordered on orgasmic.
You just knew this was top-shelf stuff.
ABOVE: “WOOO YEAH!! That’s what I’M talking about!! F*ck that m***rf**er UP!!” - Me at the premier of Toy Story 2.
However, the once-peerless giants have lost their touch in recent years. The Good Dinosaur? More like The Bad Dinosaur!
Incredibles 2? More like Incredibles Poo!
Onward? More like Your quality of output has significantly deteriorated this decade, maybe consider conducting an internal review? !
But I digress.
Blue Sky Studios, best known for the Ice Age franchise, must be licking their lips at recent lukewarm critical reaction to Pixar.
Alas, Spies in Disguise, their latest marquee effort, does not fill me with a huge amount on confidence in their ability.
Tom Holland (so hot right now) and Will Smith (was really hot then really not, and now I think is hot again?) voice a plucky young scientist and an uber cool secret agent respectively, as they try to clear the latter’s name of wrongdoing following a bungled mission.
ABOVE: POV: Your teacher catches you being hypnotised by the weird kid during lunch.
It’s a sleek, bouncy affair, with enough outlandish set-pieces and catchy tunes to keep the interest of young and old.
However, it lacks the emotional depth of the best in the biz, and not nearly enough of the “adults will get this but kids won’t” humour that made the P gang such a success.
Pixar retain their animated crown, for now.
Look out for: There’s got be a rapper in there somewhere, right? Right. DJ Khaled voices a suitably monosyllabic sound engineer, among a fairly unremarkable voice cast. Walter’s gadget inventions, like his trademarked “kitty glitter”, are harmlessly enjoyable.
If you liked this: Who could have done spy/action animation better, but Pixar? The Incredibles remains my all-time favourite, a superhero/Bond spoof and celebration. For the most stunning animated visuals of recent times, watch Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse.
Rating: ⭐⭐⭐
⛪ Southern (c)harm.
The Devil All The Time (2020), film, directed by Antonio Campos.
Ah, rural small-town America. Lovingly portrayed in classic films such as Deliverance and series like True Detective, it has always instilled in me a desire to visit the “backwaters” so full of character and whimsy.
In all seriousness, I always wonder what people who live in these areas must think, when seeing their hometowns portrayed in a less than positive manner on screen.
Until someone commits to film the dark underbelly of Rathmines and the underground feud between the Lidl Gang and the Aldi Brotherhood, I guess I’ll never know.
Set across Ohio and West Virginia in the 1950s and 60s, The Devil All the Time follows a sprawling ensemble cast as they navigate the violence and religious oppression of their relationships and surroundings.
Led by Tom Holland (I told you he was hot right now), we see dark turns from a host of other A-listers including Robert Pattinson (another bona fide hottie), Sebastian Stan and Riley Keough.
More a collection of loosely connected short stories than a cohesive narrative, the film is a meditation on the nature of evil, and more than a little critical of organised religion.
ABOVE: R-Patz STILL cannot get enough of that Trinity Arts Block look.
Incredibly detailed, The Devil All The Time is at times beautiful to watch. The meet-cute of Holland’s character’s parents, framed around simultaneous, awkward drags on their cigarettes, almost makes you think you’re in for a tender romance story.
Almost.
It’s not something that will cheer you up during these lockdown weekends, but it’s a compact and gripping vehicle that will give you more than a little blasphemous satisfaction.
Look out for: Dudley Dursley is back at it again! Between this and The Old Guard, Potter actor Harry Melling has recently been carving out quite the villainous niche for himself. The gravelly voice of the narrator is provided by none other than the original book’s author, Donald Ray Pollock.
If you liked this: Speaking of original books, the novel Deliverance is every bit as chilling as its more famous cinematic counterpart (complete with prose version of the iconic banjos scene). Multiple narratives and tensions collide in Crash, Best Picture winner (controversially) at the 2004 Oscars.
Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐
⏩ Quickies
Short and snappy reviews for a short and snappy time:
Can You Keep A Secret? (2019, film, dir. Elise Duran): ⭐⭐
Psst! Can I tell you something? And you promise not to tell anyone? Swear on your life? I’m serious! You swear on your life? Don’t bullshit me, otherwise I’m not telling you. OK I will, but do NOT tell anyone. You ready? OK, here goes… *whispers* This film is pretty bad. 😱
ABOVE (Can You Keep A Secret?): They must be in first class. No one looks like this or has this much fun in economy.
Dinner for Schmucks (2010, film, dir. Jay Roach): ⭐⭐
Another case of the inferior American remake? I haven’t seen Le Dîner de Cons (France, 1998), but presumably it’s better than this. Dinner… can be very funny at times, due almost entirely to Steve Carell, and Jemaine Clement’s Russell Brand-esque Kieran. Unfortunately, “at times” equates to about 12% of the time.
ABOVE (Dinner for Schmucks): I’ll give them this scene, to be fair. Immortalised as a meme and/or gif for all eternity.
Predestination (2014, film, dir. Michael & Peter Spierig): ⭐⭐⭐⭐
If last week’s Tenet wasn’t mind-melty enough for you, Predestination is a touching time travel tale that will twist your brain. Ethan Hawke and Sarah Snook (of HBO’s Succession) are quirky and sublime in this unique, character-driven story. If you’re sick of the term “paradox”, however, avoid like the plague.
📃 Quote of the Week(s)
“The people look like pork. You can’t get away from that, they do. They look like pork scratchings on a towel… You couldn’t speak German cuz it’s a horrible sound, it sounds like typewriters eating tinfoil being kicked down a stairs.”
Dylan Moran discusses Germany (tongue firmly in cheek) in his classic stand-up show, Like, Totally, which I rediscovered this week. Available in its entirety on YouTube.
📅 Previously, in pop culture…
Landmark events from the last two weeks in film and TV histoire:
Sep 13 - US actress Felicity Huffman sentenced to 14 days in prison for her role in the 2019 college admissions scandal.
Sep 16 - Arnold Schwarzenegger becomes a US citizen in 1983. 💪
ABOVE (Arnold Schwarzenegger): “I pledge allegiance, to zee crown, of zee United States off Amerika.”
Sep 19 - Angelina Jolie files for divorce from Brad Pitt in 2016.
Sep 22 - In 2019, Billy Porter becomes the first openly gay actor to win an Emmy for lead actor in a drama series for Pose.
✅ Th-th-that’s all, folks.
Thank you very much for reading!
My thanks this week to Caolan “Spielberg” Fanning for his suggestion of Predestination (which is also available in its entirety on YouTube, btw).
I’m always open to feedback and movie/TV suggestions. You can find me on Instagram, LinkedIn, and you can reply directly to this email. 🤙
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Thanks again, and I’ll see you in two weeks!
xxx
Previous Reels:
🎬 Sep 9 - Tenet, The Fall, The Interpreter, Project Power.
🎬 Aug 19 - Chewing Gum, I May Destroy You, The Old Guard.
🎬 July 15 - Boyz n the Hood, The Sinner, Eurovision Song Contest.